1. Post #1
    Whoever you are, please remember someone loves you.



    Don't hesitate to share what's on your mind. We might or might not be able to help, but at least, we're here for you, facepuncher.

    Got any websites, telephone numbers or similar you think should be put in the OP? Send me a PM.

    Succeed Socially
    - A 100% free detailed guide on how to improve social skills, from a former shy, awkward guy
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  2. Post #2
    ASK ME ABOUT MY BAKELITE FETISH
    Dennab
    April 2011
    6,395 Posts
    I don't know where to begin, so I'll just write what's on my mind and see where it goes from there.


    I feel like I might be a compulsive liar.
    Said lies make me lose sight of who I am, leading me to an identity crisis.

    I get really anxious in most social situations
    When I am in a social situation, I usually emulate the personalities of the people around me. It works out well, for the most part. However it leaves my brain in a fog of heavily analytical observation, on both my peers and myself. I get really light-headed and tired when in a new social situation like that, often times leading to a migraine.

    My physical state just makes it hard for me to get up and do anything, more from depression than anything else. My fibromyalgia, Raynaud's, ulnar neuropathy, and tendonitus are very debilitating, but I feel guilty for not trying, even though in the past it has only made things worse.

    My entire life is on hold because of these medical problems. I've never been a very social person, obviously, but I've always had at least a small circle of friends to keep me company. Being on medial leave for the next seven months severs the thin ties I've had to most of these people. The realization of my antisocial tendencies just makes me more depressed, and fills me with a deeper self-loathing.

    I've been thinking a lot more about suicide than usual. Last time I've ever thought about it seriously was back in my freshman year of highschool back in '09. Right now the only thing keeping me here is my family, I wouldn't want them to go through all that shit. My sister felt the same way back when she felt suicidal (my family has a history of mental illness).

    I never had a lot of friends. I was born with a pretty fucked up body; my head was stretched between my legs and my arm embedded in my chest. I was born blind in one eye, and the other was damn near useless. I've had eight open-eye surgeries by the time I was ten, if I remember correctly. I can't be too far off. That, coupled with several hospitalizations for other reasons, and having been born with sensory integration dysfunction ( a disorder in the autism spectrum, my mind has trouble interpreting some sounds and textures. When I can't interpret them correctly, It's very unpleasant), led me to have a friendless and uneventful childhood.

    I moved from California to Arizona sometime back in '05. Three years later I had two more eye surgeries, luckily they fixed my eyes up pretty damn well. After ten tries they fucking better have. I was homeschooled because of my sensory integration dysfunction, and consequently I made one friend. He was a hockey-playing midget cunt with an abusive father. That friendship lasted for a few years until I just couldn't handle him being such a dick. Haven't talked to him for two years, I just halted all contact. That friendship went out with a whimper. It was for the best.

    A while after that I was dumped into highschool. My fingers hurt so I'm gonna write the rest of that shit later. I just really felt like getting this out.

    Edited:

    Please don't rate friendly and move on. I want some feedback, if possible.
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  3. Post #3
    "We should allow child labor overseas ...the sweatshop is what is saving the 9 year old worker"
    Pepin's Avatar
    April 2007
    6,864 Posts
    Got my test results from a psychological screening, and I have conversion disorder, schizoid personality disorder, and depression.
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  4. Post #4
    Gold Member
    flamehead5's Avatar
    August 2008
    1,425 Posts
    I think I may hang myself tommorow because I may have screwed up with a girl.
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  5. Post #5
    "We should allow child labor overseas ...the sweatshop is what is saving the 9 year old worker"
    Pepin's Avatar
    April 2007
    6,864 Posts
    Why would that be a reason for hanging yourself? Give some rational and back story.
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  6. Post #6

    October 2011
    361 Posts
    I think I may hang myself tommorow because I may have screwed up with a girl.
    Elaborate.
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  7. Post #7
    Chernzobog's Avatar
    March 2011
    1,075 Posts
    Just went to the rheumatologist. Feel like killing myself. My medical problems so no sign of wavering.
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  8. Post #8
    Gold Member
    Octave's Avatar
    January 2009
    2,530 Posts
    Just went to the rheumatologist. Feel like killing myself. My medical problems so no sign of wavering.
    Hey man, medical shit sucks but it's nothing to give up hope over. Take my mother for example, she struggled with feeling generally terrible, having inflammation and symptoms of food allergies for over a decade. Every doctor she ever went to said she was worrying too much and that she was fine. Turned out she had Sjögren's Syndrome, a serious autoimmune disease. She only found this out about a year ago. She also believes she has gluten allergy, so now she is in the process of getting tested for that; no doctor ever told her that this was a possibility.

    In 2008, she found out she had a cyst in her brain, right at the top of the spinal column where the spinal fluid has to flow. She had brain surgery to remove it. All of this was going on while taking care of me, and managing a lot of the household duties. She tried her hardest to get off her painkillers after the surgery (Her head had been bifurcated and a sort of separator device had kept the divide open) so she could drive me around and continue on with life.

    After this, she got a blood clot in her leg while recovering from surgery due to an error of the hospital. She had had a blood clot around 15 years prior but the medical staff failed to give her blood thinners or compression clothing while she was recovering. Then, she went blind in one eye due to Optic Neuritis. It got better in about a month, but she still risked herself by driving for me and trying to get tasks done, even though she couldn't enter on highways or make turns well due to her limited vision.

    Shit fucking sucks. But if she can make it through, so can you.
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  9. Post #9
    Chernzobog's Avatar
    March 2011
    1,075 Posts
    Hey man, medical shit sucks but it's nothing to give up hope over. Take my mother for example, she struggled with feeling generally terrible, having inflammation and symptoms of food allergies for over a decade. Every doctor she ever went to said she was worrying too much and that she was fine. Turned out she had Sjögren's Syndrome, a serious autoimmune disease. She only found this out about a year ago. She also believes she has gluten allergy, so now she is in the process of getting tested for that; no doctor ever told her that this was a possibility.

    In 2008, she found out she had a cyst in her brain, right at the top of the spinal column where the spinal fluid has to flow. She had brain surgery to remove it. All of this was going on while taking care of me, and managing a lot of the household duties. She tried her hardest to get off her painkillers after the surgery (Her head had been bifurcated and a sort of separator device had kept the divide open) so she could drive me around and continue on with life.

    After this, she got a blood clot in her leg while recovering from surgery due to an error of the hospital. She had had a blood clot around 15 years prior but the medical staff failed to give her blood thinners or compression clothing while she was recovering. Then, she went blind in one eye due to Optic Neuritis. It got better in about a month, but she still risked herself by driving for me and trying to get tasks done, even though she couldn't enter on highways or make turns well due to her limited vision.

    Shit fucking sucks. But if she can make it through, so can you.
    God damn your mom's a fucking superhero. Yeah I'll get through it. It's just that I've never gone more than three or four months without visiting a hospital or clinic for whatever was wrong with me at the time. Now I'm just getting sick of it. I've never felt weaker in my life, and whenever someone asks why I'm depressed I end up going down the long list of ailments and traumatic experiences I've gone through and shit just gets awkward.

    I'm getting injections in my elbows soon, so at least something will get better. And I'm not gonna off myself as long as my family is still alive, I couldn't bear to have them go through that.
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  10. Post #10
    Gold Member
    flamehead5's Avatar
    August 2008
    1,425 Posts
    Why would that be a reason for hanging yourself? Give some rational and back story.
    I never wrote back because things had gotten a bit better. Go read my last few posts in the love advice thread.

    I feel as if it will not get better, and I will never really get to be with this girl. I feel the worst that I have ever felt in my life right now and I think I will really go though with killing myself.
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  11. Post #11
    "We should allow child labor overseas ...the sweatshop is what is saving the 9 year old worker"
    Pepin's Avatar
    April 2007
    6,864 Posts
    I never wrote back because things had gotten a bit better. Go read my last few posts in the love advice thread.

    I feel as if it will not get better, and I will never really get to be with this girl. I feel the worst that I have ever felt in my life right now and I think I will really go though with killing myself.
    Doesn't sound very rational. I read the other thread and I can't really make sense of a real reason. The emotional quality seems quite sensational and over the place. I'd advice that you seek some help.

    Edited:

    I feel like I might be a compulsive liar.
    Said lies make me lose sight of who I am, leading me to an identity crisis.
    It is good that you are able to self realize and reflect. This is a key part to becoming a better person. All that matters is the future, and what matters is that you have new knowledge now that you can act on to make your future better. Really think about who you want to be, what you stand for, and write it down and read it the next day. Set goals for yourself.

    I get really anxious in most social situations
    When I am in a social situation, I usually emulate the personalities of the people around me. It works out well, for the most part. However it leaves my brain in a fog of heavily analytical observation, on both my peers and myself. I get really light-headed and tired when in a new social situation like that, often times leading to a migraine.
    It's pretty common for those in a group to kind of mimic each other. There is some science behind it, for instance: when you're in good rapport with you tend to breath at the same rate they do, and use similar mannerisms.

    You are likely a bit derealized which makes this effect seem really kind of forced and awkward. You're taking your anxiety out on your body which is not good. I am a prime example of that as I have conversion disorder. Try out some relaxation techniques, such as breathing from the diaphragm.

    My physical state just makes it hard for me to get up and do anything, more from depression than anything else. My fibromyalgia, Raynaud's, ulnar neuropathy, and tendonitus are very debilitating, but I feel guilty for not trying, even though in the past it has only made things worse.
    This would be something that you should talk to a counselor about. Obviously feeling guilty about something that you can't help isn't rational, but just saying that it isn't rational doesn't make the issue go away.

    Reminds me a bit of those accidents survivors who suffer from extreme guilt despite that they had done nothing to cause the accident. The guilt isn't rational, but just telling yourself that doesn't make it go away.

    My entire life is on hold because of these medical problems. I've never been a very social person, obviously, but I've always had at least a small circle of friends to keep me company. Being on medial leave for the next seven months severs the thin ties I've had to most of these people. The realization of my antisocial tendencies just makes me more depressed, and fills me with a deeper self-loathing.
    Are your anti-social tendencies the result of avoidance? Like you avoid social interaction because you want to avoid the anxiety? That's the picture I'm getting.

    I've been thinking a lot more about suicide than usual. Last time I've ever thought about it seriously was back in my freshman year of highschool back in '09. Right now the only thing keeping me here is my family, I wouldn't want them to go through all that shit. My sister felt the same way back when she felt suicidal (my family has a history of mental illness).
    Have you gone to get help? Have you talked to anybody about this?

    I never had a lot of friends. I was born with a pretty fucked up body; my head was stretched between my legs and my arm embedded in my chest. I was born blind in one eye, and the other was damn near useless. I've had eight open-eye surgeries by the time I was ten, if I remember correctly. I can't be too far off. That, coupled with several hospitalizations for other reasons, and having been born with sensory integration dysfunction ( a disorder in the autism spectrum, my mind has trouble interpreting some sounds and textures. When I can't interpret them correctly, It's very unpleasant), led me to have a friendless and uneventful childhood.

    I moved from California to Arizona sometime back in '05. Three years later I had two more eye surgeries, luckily they fixed my eyes up pretty damn well. After ten tries they fucking better have. I was homeschooled because of my sensory integration dysfunction, and consequently I made one friend. He was a hockey-playing midget cunt with an abusive father. That friendship lasted for a few years until I just couldn't handle him being such a dick. Haven't talked to him for two years, I just halted all contact. That friendship went out with a whimper. It was for the best.

    A while after that I was dumped into highschool. My fingers hurt so I'm gonna write the rest of that shit later. I just really felt like getting this out.
    You seem a decent bit pessimistic. It does seem like you have good reason to not be happy with the hand you were dealt. It may be a good idea to see a therapist. I've been doing research on the practice recently and as far as I'm aware, they can help you out a decent bit with your issues. The fact that you are anxious in social situations isn't too unexpected because it seems like you had a bad childhood, and those with bad childhoods tend to have issues in socialization.
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  12. Post #12
    ASK ME ABOUT MY BAKELITE FETISH
    Dennab
    April 2011
    6,395 Posts
    It is good that you are able to self realize and reflect. This is a key part to becoming a better person. All that matters is the future, and what matters is that you have new knowledge now that you can act on to make your future better. Really think about who you want to be, what you stand for, and write it down and read it the next day. Set goals for yourself.
    I'm thinking of getting a gym membership and swimming more, I miss being on the swim team. If my physiology permits, I'm going to sign up again.

    You are likely a bit derealized which makes this effect seem really kind of forced and awkward. You're taking your anxiety out on your body which is not good. I am a prime example of that as I have conversion disorder. Try out some relaxation techniques, such as breathing from the diaphragm.
    Will do.

    This would be something that you should talk to a counselor about. Obviously feeling guilty about something that you can't help isn't rational, but just saying that it isn't rational doesn't make the issue go away.

    Reminds me a bit of those accidents survivors who suffer from extreme guilt despite that they had done nothing to cause the accident. The guilt isn't rational, but just telling yourself that doesn't make it go away.
    Thar's why I'm seeing a therapist.

    Are your anti-social tendencies the result of avoidance? Like you avoid social interaction because you want to avoid the anxiety? That's the picture I'm getting.
    Yeah. I've never been too social.

    Have you gone to get help? Have you talked to anybody about this?
    I have, I got to an out-patient rehab clinic three times a week for clinical depression and traumatic stress. It's been helping a lot, and just today I made a breakthrough of sorts.
    I'd never kill myself, so log as my family is still alive.

    You seem a decent bit pessimistic. It does seem like you have good reason to not be happy with the hand you were dealt. It may be a good idea to see a therapist. I've been doing research on the practice recently and as far as I'm aware, they can help you out a decent bit with your issues. The fact that you are anxious in social situations isn't too unexpected because it seems like you had a bad childhood, and those with bad childhoods tend to have issues in socialization.
    Yeah, the asperger's doesn't help either. But I'm trying to be less bitter and pessimistic, but it's hard when every few months some other random medical problem comes out of nowhere and fucks up my shit again.

    Thanks a ton for putting so much thought into a reply. It really does help.
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  13. Post #13
    Gold Member
    flamehead5's Avatar
    August 2008
    1,425 Posts
    Then I feel better, then when anything shitty happens I feel horrible again. One minute happy, one minute thinking about killing a bunch of people, one minute depressed, one minute happy again.

    What the fuck is going on.

    That and I am having a lot of sleeping issues.
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  14. Post #14
    ASK ME ABOUT MY BAKELITE FETISH
    Dennab
    April 2011
    6,395 Posts
    Then I feel better, then when anything shitty happens I feel horrible again. One minute happy, one minute thinking about killing a bunch of people, one minute depressed, one minute happy again.

    What the fuck is going on.

    That and I am having a lot of sleeping issues.
    i'm the same way

    people say it's called being a teenager
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  15. Post #15
    ALPHA MALE
    Dennab
    January 2012
    1,541 Posts
    I'm depressed and I'm lonely, the loneliness is probably the worst part. I can't find a worthwhile relationship, every time I'm used, abused, then my heart is ripped out and whoever I was with shits in the empty cavity that's left. The only way I can escape the pain is drowning it out in alcohol and listening to music. I have no real friends. Every day I pretend that it's all okay but it's really not. I pretend that I'm going somewhere and I can be somebody to my family, but all I want to do is hide somewhere I can't be found and kill myself. To make matters worse I'm gay. If my family found out I'd probably be disowned.

    I really wish I had the balls to take my own life, but I don't.
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  16. Post #16
    Mon
    Mon's Avatar
    April 2011
    4,102 Posts
    i feel good right now. really good. i don't even know why. i'm feeling lonely, and i'm having girl problems.
    something feels missing. but i still feel good. just i'm missing something.

    Edited:

    talking with a pretty girl.
    still feel lonely. this canadian weather is getting to me.
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  17. Post #17
    Gold Member
    ScoutKing's Avatar
    May 2007
    6,421 Posts
    Then I feel better, then when anything shitty happens I feel horrible again. One minute happy, one minute thinking about killing a bunch of people, one minute depressed, one minute happy again.

    What the fuck is going on.

    That and I am having a lot of sleeping issues.
    I noticed the Social advice thread went completely ass backwards when trying to help you, so I suggest you just complete ignore the general lot of them.
    Have you seen a therapist/psychiatrist yet?
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  18. Post #18
    "We should allow child labor overseas ...the sweatshop is what is saving the 9 year old worker"
    Pepin's Avatar
    April 2007
    6,864 Posts
    If anyone has to go in for a psychiatric evaluation I do not recommend looking up information and self diagnosing yourself. It'll get in the way of the actual diagnosis and could lead to a misdiagnosis. Also don't hold back information.
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  19. Post #19
    Gold Member
    Octave's Avatar
    January 2009
    2,530 Posts
    Yeah, trying to self diagnose will just make you worry more. Any normal person can find a terrible psychiatric disease on wikipedia and convince themselves they have it.
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  20. Post #20
    "We should allow child labor overseas ...the sweatshop is what is saving the 9 year old worker"
    Pepin's Avatar
    April 2007
    6,864 Posts
    I would have never self diagnosed myself as suffering from chronic depression, but it was apparently pretty obvious to anyone in mental help. Not to regular doctors though.
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  21. Post #21
    jp_rsardeto's Avatar
    March 2011
    3,078 Posts
    I wish my life was normal.
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  22. Post #22
    "We should allow child labor overseas ...the sweatshop is what is saving the 9 year old worker"
    Pepin's Avatar
    April 2007
    6,864 Posts
    A normal life sounds boring. Though a life of depression is by definition boring because you tend not to find joy in things.

    I'm still unsure if a life with feelings will be better than a life without them. It isn't that I don't have feelings exactly, more that in comparison to other people, I don't. This is of course a coping strategy that developed in childhood. I feel like if I could keep the lack of emotions without the other negatives that come with it, I'd do it.
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  23. Post #23
    Gold Member
    ScoutKing's Avatar
    May 2007
    6,421 Posts
    I would have never self diagnosed myself as suffering from chronic depression, but it was apparently pretty obvious to anyone in mental help. Not to regular doctors though.
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  24. Post #24
    Gold Member
    kaine123's Avatar
    February 2010
    9,671 Posts
    I feel like there's a pool where everybody else is easily able to swim but I'm always drowning and being held underneath the surface only gasping and taking a breath from above on rare occasions. It's like everyone else can swim on the surface and breathe freely because of some natural inborn reflex that they hold, but I don't have that reflex. Every muscle and stroke and kick is awkward and jagged. I try as hard as I can to keep my head and body over the top of the cold water but there's no propulsion that my limbs will give me. I just sink deeper and deeper as I try to fight it. A horrible facet of this is that there are people all around me calmly watching from the top and not even giving a second thought as to whether to help me or even acknowledge me. There are even people that push me harder and hold me under to under so they can prop themselves above the surface and appear that they know how to swim just like everyone else. But then the worst part of all is when I realize that it's completely my fault that I got like this. I could have put more effort into learning, but I didn't. I could have tried to fight back against the people holding me down, but I didn't. I could have asked and put effort into getting help but I didn't plead my case with enough ardor that they would pay attention or care enough. I made all of the wrong decisions at the wrong times. I fucked it all up, it was all my fault in the end and nobody else is responsible. Maybe I'll eventually learn to get to the air above me but right now it feels like something I would never be able to accomplish.
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  25. Post #25
    Gold Member
    Zeke129's Avatar
    July 2007
    42,022 Posts
    If anyone has to go in for a psychiatric evaluation I do not recommend looking up information and self diagnosing yourself. It'll get in the way of the actual diagnosis and could lead to a misdiagnosis. Also don't hold back information.
    Going in with your own diagnosis is like going to a vehicle mechanic with a list of parts to change (as opposed to a list of problems)
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  26. Post #26
    Gold Member
    Simski's Avatar
    February 2007
    13,287 Posts
    I wish I could kill myself, but I feel that living is my debt.
    I really don't enjoy living, thinking about my past only makes me feel regretful and empty, looking at my present I'm unemployed without any real talents and not a lot of friends, looking to my future it all seems I won't be going anywhere for a long time with my issues finding any jobs and general confusion of what I might possibly want to work with in the long run.

    Killing myself would bring me to rest, I don't believe in an afterlife so I throughly enjoy the idea of never feeling stressed, sad, lonely, worried, angry, abandoned, unwanted and useless. Death to me seems like an everlasting sleep without dreams, a state of simply not feeling anything at all, it seems wonderful.

    Yet, I can't bring myself to commit suicide. I feel that living is my debt to my parents and the few people who rely on me. My parents always tried to raise me well and to keep me happy, and I feel that killing myself now would be ungrateful and unfair. Similarly, I'm still very close to a girl in England I've known for 7 years and killing myself would definitely not make her life any easier. So I force myself to endure life, no matter how much I just hate being alive.
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  27. Post #27
    "We should allow child labor overseas ...the sweatshop is what is saving the 9 year old worker"
    Pepin's Avatar
    April 2007
    6,864 Posts
    Sounds like you should get some help. It is possible to change what you are feeling now and it would be best to do so.
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  28. Post #28
    Kiss me, I'm Irish
    Fort83's Avatar
    September 2006
    8,614 Posts
    I'm kinda blue this past few days, not necessarily depressed, but just kinda out of sorts. For one thing I feel like I'm just pretty lonely at the moment. It's not like i don't have friends around a lot, I do, what with going to classes and my housemate who i've known for years and is one of my best friends, and having friends over, it's just I feel like I don't really have anyone to really talk about stuff that really bug me. And anyone that i feel like talking to about, I don't want to give them the impression that i am depressed or a debbie downer, because I'm not.

    At the moment I have the house to myself till tomorrow evening, I have it to myself every week from tuesday to wednesday, and I feel pretty lonely being here. Even if I had one of my dogs from home I would be fine.

    This may be a response to an ex calling me awkwardly to apologize for the mess she caused and stuff like that. Maybe I'm craving a new relationship, but at the same time, I do not want one right now. It's a little weird.

    I'm very mentally stable, as I can stop and think things through logically to figure out the underlining problem, and I have a talent for knowing what makes people tick, and what their motives are and why they do things.

    And it's not like I'm not happy, I am. I am in a college program that I absolutely love, to train to become a river guide in the outdoor tourism industry, and the fact that I will travel the world to work, I am quite happy here, I live 6 hours away from home, on my own with my housemate, I am independent, I have been offered great jobs for the summer, I work out, I am talented guitar. I have hobbies.

    Maybe I am just rambling, I'm not sure.
    What do you guys think?
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  29. Post #29
    Gold Member
    Simski's Avatar
    February 2007
    13,287 Posts
    Sounds like you should get some help. It is possible to change what you are feeling now and it would be best to do so.
    Eh, my psych said pills won't do me any good since I'm in a genuinely depressing situation. So I'm hoping things will eventually get better in my life and that my mood will follow suit.
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  30. Post #30
    Dennab
    October 2010
    1,436 Posts
    I'm depressed and I'm lonely, the loneliness is probably the worst part. I can't find a worthwhile relationship, every time I'm used, abused, then my heart is ripped out and whoever I was with shits in the empty cavity that's left. The only way I can escape the pain is drowning it out in alcohol and listening to music. I have no real friends. Every day I pretend that it's all okay but it's really not. I pretend that I'm going somewhere and I can be somebody to my family, but all I want to do is hide somewhere I can't be found and kill myself. To make matters worse I'm gay. If my family found out I'd probably be disowned.

    I really wish I had the balls to take my own life, but I don't.
    I'm going to be honest with you. I'm not depressed, and I can't imagine what your going through.

    (But that's what everyone says, isn't it.)

    I don't know what lures me to these threads. I don't have anything that will really justify you trying to listen to me. But I want to talk to you for a bit. Out of kinship, I guess.

    Your in a very bad spot. The people who surround you would wretch at the beautiful secret you have, and everyone you reach out to tears you apart. That's not a place anyone should nor deserves to be in. The world seems very small and dark. I'm not going to pretend I know the full extent of your suffering, but I can, maybe, identify with a sliver of it. When I was still in the closet, I was scared and hateful of myself. I woke up in the mornings and wondered if today was the day I'd be compromised and ridiculed.

    Things simply got better for me. But your path is going to be different than mine. I just want you to know that things will get better if you stick with it. There is a path you can take that will let you live a happier life.

    If it's safe for you to do so, I want you to find a quiet corner and call 1-800-273-TALK. I know referring you to a depression and suicide hotline sounds corny and stereotypical, but you have nothing to lose. They are a lot more experienced than I am. They'll have more eloquent things to say than what I can muster as well. They'll help you start on that path I mentioned. Maybe it'll be making something up to your parents and seeing a shrink, if that's a realistic option. Maybe then, you'll have a good day. Maybe then, you'll be able to turn that one good day into two. Maybe then, it'll turn into something more. But you have to take that first step.

    I may be completely misjudging you and your situation right now. I may be coming off as full of it, but hear me out. I may not be the most eloquent of people, but from what the confines of this text box allow, let me express that you have my fullest sympathies, and I am there for you and everyone else in this thread if you want to talk.
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  31. Post #31
    Skerion's Avatar
    November 2010
    2,918 Posts
    I feel like a tool and your average DA user. Mainly because I'm ugly as hell, gets offended easily even when the offence is directed towards someone else (i.e. Tom Preston, that son of a bitch. Oh, and also some other FPers), socially awkward, rarely do anything productive besides homework (Most of the time I procrastinate, though), can't bring up any good points and most of the time can only state the obvious, etc. The reason why I feel this way is that a lot of "spergs" and "deviantards" just so happen to share the same attributes as I do (That's how I feel, at least), like autism for example. This was the main reason why I was having thoughts about how much of a pathetic waste of flesh I am and that I should go kill myself and ended up weeping late at night while I was trying to finish my homework, as well as today, which is my birthday. Worst birthday for me since I actually felt suicidal that day.

    Another reason why I'm feeling so suicidal is because I'm too lazy to improve on anything, specifically art. A while ago, while I was posting my shitty artwork in the Creationism Corner section, AI_Enhanced told me that my portrait of Alyx was bad and provided some feedback, as well as a couple links to two drawing books on drawing the human anatomy. What does this have to do with anything with my depression? Well remember when I was talking about how I often procrastinate? Well I started to do well with the feedback and decided to check out the books. I started on the one that was written by Andrew Loomis, which was on drawing the human head and hands. This has helped me improve on my work and I started posting more of my drawings as I started to improve step by step. However, for some reason, I stopped posting some of my portraits and never bothered continuing reading the books. I never bothered actually using most of the feedback I got in that section. What pisses me off is that I started to grow the mindset of the typical DAer as soon as/after I found out about the deviantart appreciation thread. I think that may have been the cause of me slowly turning into a tool. You can probably guess why I felt like a waste of materials at the time.

    Right now I have so many thoughts I could use for this post, but I am just so limited in my speech and organization. This is just about I can think of right now.
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  32. Post #32
    genkaz92's Avatar
    July 2007
    2,402 Posts
    I have a feeling that I am still experiencing certain depression related difficulties. I would say that my current set of issues is mostly revolved around productivity, or achieving certain tasks.

    While curiously enough my school related productivity have been getting progressively better, my "recreational" productivity, or my voluntary activities, have not been receiving too much improvement.

    Perhaps it revolves around the fact of me attempting to advance in various mathematical areas such as programming, while in reality I was never a particularly mathematical person.

    It may be entirely possible that I am simply attempting to achieve things in areas which are simply unnatural to me, and it perhaps would be a very good idea to simply explore my interests more.

    According to the Myers Briggs personality test, my personality type is INFP.

    Due to my personality type relying on emotion, or feeling, I could also say that my main issue is the fact of me rarely receiving an internal emotional response when doing something, resulting in me becoming bored and loosing interest in an activity very quickly.
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  33. Post #33
    IM WEIRD
    Weirdness's Avatar
    September 2007
    1,955 Posts
    Didn't turn up for work again today, and wont be tomorrow. I'm surprised they haven't fired me yet. Heh.
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  34. Post #34
    Gold Member
    Octave's Avatar
    January 2009
    2,530 Posts
    I have a feeling that I am still experiencing certain depression related difficulties. I would say that my current set of issues is mostly revolved around productivity, or achieving certain tasks.

    While curiously enough my school related productivity have been getting progressively better, my "recreational" productivity, or my voluntary activities, have not been receiving too much improvement.

    Perhaps it revolves around the fact of me attempting to advance in various mathematical areas such as programming, while in reality I was never a particularly mathematical person.

    It may be entirely possible that I am simply attempting to achieve things in areas which are simply unnatural to me, and it perhaps would be a very good idea to simply explore my interests more.

    According to the Myers Briggs personality test, my personality type is INFP.

    Due to my personality type relying on emotion, or feeling, I could also say that my main issue is the fact of me rarely receiving an internal emotional response when doing something, resulting in me becoming bored and loosing interest in an activity very quickly.
    First, don't base your life or decide things based on personality tests. They are extremely general, and they don't know "you" in reality.

    Second, I think the last thing you said is important; finding something that does give you that emotional boost is important. So I would say you could certainly benefit by exploring your interests more, and one of the ways you could do that is taking a class about something that you might be interested in.
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  35. Post #35
    genkaz92's Avatar
    July 2007
    2,402 Posts
    First, don't base your life or decide things based on personality tests. They are extremely general, and they don't know "you" in reality.

    Second, I think the last thing you said is important; finding something that does give you that emotional boost is important. So I would say you could certainly benefit by exploring your interests more, and one of the ways you could do that is taking a class about something that you might be interested in.
    Never said I revolve my life around that personality test. I realize that it is ultimately nothing but a very general identification of something. I mostly used it as an example because in this scenario it is ultimately good at describing my current main issue.

    For the most part I do agree, I currently decided to focus on exploring my other set of interests further, because ultimately exploring an interest that may be incompatible with you does become quite tedious very quickly.
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  36. Post #36
    Gold Member
    Dennab
    June 2007
    4,333 Posts
    I have a tendency to consider suicide. Been doing it a lot recently. Even have some plans.

    Christ I give up
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  37. Post #37
    Gold Member
    ScoutKing's Avatar
    May 2007
    6,421 Posts
    I have a tendency to consider suicide. Been doing it a lot recently. Even have some plans.

    Christ I give up
    I think if you truly gave up, you wouldn't of bothered to post in here.

    So why are you considering suicide?
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  38. Post #38
    Gold Member
    Dennab
    June 2007
    4,333 Posts
    I'm probably just depressed.
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  39. Post #39
    Gold Member
    Dennab
    June 2007
    4,333 Posts
    And now I'm feeling suicidal again and not and what's wrong with me
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  40. Post #40
    Gold Member
    ScoutKing's Avatar
    May 2007
    6,421 Posts
    Is there anything that could be setting you off?
    People,remembering certain things, etc etc
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