to use your analogy, you can remodel your house in the real world. but it takes time and effort, depending on the material. a plasterboard house is easily demolished, but easily renovated. a concrete home laced with iron is not easy to renovate, but its also much stronger. irl you cannot just click on it and have the wall do the work for you, you need to plan, and adapt the layout of the home according to how much effort you want to put into renovating it.
it never made sense (imo) to have the ability to delete panels, but i respected it being in as something the devs wanted to try out as a constant game mechanic. it was intended to allow us to remove griefer wall panels. thing is, it's prone to abuse by raiders, lazy and unrealistic in a game that is striving toward entertaining realism. it literally has become a tool that is hidden in a 1x1 stone box after authorization so others cannot use it.
i personally think they should remove the cupboard all together. building onto another players house is a legitimate raiding strategy, and just like in legacy, can be absorbed into the build with a little creativity. they walled in your entrance with stone walls? thank them for the completed room you didn't have to pay for, and go build another layer on the outside of it. knock down one of your walls and stick a doorway in it. i suppose one of the things would be to have an upgrade animation, so griefers might waste some time putting a twig box up, but wont spend resources and time prone to upgrade those panels to metal.
i could see the demolish tool being 2 things. 1st, an admin tool to clean up the server, and resolve issues. 2nd, a time limited option for panels, say within 10 seconds of placement. this would be regardless of who placed it, and via the hammer menu as it is now. otherwise, break down the wall. but either way, they will never come up with a solution for the old problems while there is a bandaid in the way. better to remove it, test what happens, and come up with a long term solution that is more viable than the magic box with its forcefield and disintegrator ray.
(rant over)
There should be a penalty for using destruction tool. Not arguing that at all. Especially for the higher end materials, and it should take some time. It should also have some effect on your base while you do this (not sure what).
The problem with removing the cupboards like I said earlier is you are going to get the pillar bases. The pillar bases existed only because of this issue. You haven't seem them in experimental as there has been no reason to have them. So I don't think removing them has the desired effect.
The other issue as i've said as well as being admins, we were constantly asked to remove building pieces. It got to the point where we just put a script on for players to remove them.
I think the best middle ground is to have a huge penalty to remove materials of your house. A good one is probably that the place cannot be built on/around for x amount of minutes. Also have a resource penalty that it cost xx amount of resources to remove. As it's being removed you cannot craft. I don't know, but i'm sure there is a better way.