[usaokay]

Matthew Inman. You might have read one of his comics once in a while in LMAO pics. Even if you somehow never read his comics, you might have heard various big news stories surrounding him such as the Funnyjunk incident or everyone pooling in to purchase the Tesla lab.

This is his site: http://theoatmeal.com/

This will be a recount of my experiences. It's essentially a life's story. Some parts may seem skeptical to you, but I assure that 100% of the content you will read here have happened.

This happened at a Barnes & Noble in San Diego, which is apparently the hippest place for some authors to come to meet the ravenous stark raving mad people they call fans. I found out about the book signing when I was going there for my after-school comic reading.

It wasn't the first time I attended a book signing. My first book signing was Chris Kyle's (now deceased) American Sniper book signing. I had to wait 15 minutes in line until I could get to him. My second signing was Ozzy Osbourne's (somehow not deceased) Trust Me, I'm Dr. Ozzy book signing, and that took two hours until I could get to him. I had to be prepared for Inman.

I had everything prepared: Book bought online (because it's cheaper and I had a coupon) and sent to my house, high-quality camera for pictures, and laptop for waiting; I'm ready to go. The preceding sentence has been brought to you by a guy who really needs to get laid.

Due to some circumstances surrounding transportation, my dad dropped me off at B&N 90 minutes early in an effort to beat the line. Previous autographs signings had taken place next to the greeting cards, but this time it was different. His signing was in the Children's toys section. The section wouldn't be closed to just anyone, so there were still kids and their parents looking at the toys.



You can see my backpack and chair in the front row. That's where I was sitting.

Curious parents and kids entered the section, wondering what were up with the set-up, converged in. I sat down, listening to my music and playing some Streetpass Minigames on my Nintendo 3DS. During this, I saw a B&N employee going around the audience seeing if they bought an Oatmeal book from the store. Some have showed their receipt, and some have brought it from home. She passed out some blue bands to all of them. When she inquired to me, I removed my headphones and told her I have the book, but that I bought it from the B&N website. I then asked for the blue band, but she said not to worry about it. I didn't think anything else of that. Big mistake.

After an hour of waiting, the numbers of attendees grew. Some brought Quaker's Oatmeal, and others brought Sirracha hot sauce. These were some hardcore fans.


I know what you're thinking about some of the attendees here.

Matthew Inman finally came in during the rousing applause from the audience. I expected for him to be freakishly tall, but he seemed to be around my height of 5'11.

I'm going to assume that you know he's the guy on the right.

He lives somewhere where In N' Out is just an illusion, so give or take, I assume that's in Seattle, Washington. There was an In N' Out from a 5-10 minute (depending on traffic) walking to distance to B&N, and Inman wanted to try out what every Californian is raving about. What he didn't know is the 20-30 minute wait on food because that is the only In N' Out in town, and everyone and their mother wants some. He ended up eating at a Korean sushi, which was totally horrible, by the way.

Inman pulled out a paper (possibly containing topics to talk about), and began to talk about said various topics. I forgot how the order had gone, but there was one that I now think about everyday.

His comics, while of course received a huge following, will always end up having some critics. These critics aren't your standard Two Thumbs Up! kind. No, these are the guys who hate everything you do, and will rarely provide any sort of constructive criticism and some god damn human decency. Inman stated about how most of the comments he received are from Facebook, and that they have been positive. He doesn't check Twitter because of the negativity. I don't know about specific sites, but I fully paid attention when he said, "There are some comments that are helpful, and then there are some that are so blatantly negative that you need to ignore it or it will ruin the comic."

Afterwards, he told the audience a story about his hobby of running. He participated in a triathlon or a marathon in the snow, threw up, and lost 15 pounds in five miles. Hardcore.

Inman took a five second look at the paper, then for whatever reason, began to talk about having sex with his girlfriend while his dog waltz right in and started to lick his ass. After threw a few f-bombs in the story, I looked at some of the kids and their parents, seemingly unshocked. Of course.

This is the face of the guy who doesn't give two shits.

and the Q&A began. I was the first to raise my hand. Since I am the social outcast bent on terrorizing the village of Papa John's Pizzas, I was initially very nervous to ask him a question.
"I--uh...wow, I can't believe I'm talking to you."
Inman and the audience laughed.
I swallowed my pride and asked
"Okay, so uh, two questions: you created a comic where you mixed up Breaking Bad and Half Life 2. I am wondering what are your top 5 favorite games and top 5 least."
Inman paused a moment to think. I assume he was hit with a minor dosage of nostalgia.
"I quit playing video games years ago, but to answer your question, there are a lot of great games I have played, so it would be difficult to say which one is my most favorite."
I forgot the rest of the list, but he listed that Half Life, Quake, and I think Street Fighter are his favorites. For his least favorite, he hates MMOs. He couldn't get in Everquest.
After he answered my first question, I asked my second question (it was more like a request).
"Awesome. Also, is it cool if I could come up and give you a high-five? Like, right now?"
"...Okay."
Everyone applauded as I got up and began to walk to him. A lady told me to "Go ahead!" since I was slow and talking to him.
"Sorry if my hand is a bit sweaty."
"Don't worry, my hand is too."
We high-fived, and I did a thumbs up as I went back to my seat.
Inman stood there, waiting for the audience to quell down.
"I would have preferred Eskimo kisses."
The audience laughs as I shrugged in response.

I forgot how the rest of the Q&A went, but I do remember a kid asking Inman if he could also high-five him. He declined, claiming that he still prefers Eskimo kisses.

After the Q&A was done, it was time to start the book signing. An employee announced that whomever has a blue band with a specific number get to go up first. Essentially, it's blue band 1-20, blue band 21-40, blue band 41-60, you get the idea. This wasn't the first book signing I attended, yeah sure, but this was the first time I actually got screwed over by an employee's honest mistake. I went up to the employee and told her about what she (and I partially) did. She apologized, but said that she cannot help me. It was going to take a while for me to get my book signed, and I didn't want to end up as a story on Tales from Retail (or a complaint on Facebook), so I decided to just get a new band from the register, and wait.

During this, my Dad called me, asking if he could pick me up right now, since he clearly knew I arrived earlier than most. I told him everything that has happened with the wrist band, and asked him if he could pick me up in an hour or two.
"No, I have to go to sleep soon."
"Look, dad, just get Mom or [my brother's name] to pick me up."
"They're busy."

Another reason I don't want my dad to arrive is that he's a jackass to employees. He once made a scene in Ikea about having to pay extra for a bag, and asked to see the manager. Another time he threatened to call a fast food employee's manager because he didn't receive his water. For fucks sake.

I decided to kill some time and calm myself down. I picked up a book and finished it. After that, I walked around the store, just browsing around and looking at stuff. I then saw someone reading an exercise book. I looked at his badge, which was hanging from the edge of his pants. There was a familiar logo on it:


The gaming fanboy in me squealed with glee. I rarely get to see someone from the gaming industry, let alone in public minding their own business. I didn't want to seem pry, but I walked up to him and inquired about what he does. He told me he worked on the sound for the then-upcoming PS4 game Knack. I assume he works at SCEA San Diego. I live in San Diego, and the SCEA San Diego is about 30 minutes away from where I live. Barnes & Noble is actually a lot closer to my house. Everything is within the same town. Assumption made.

This is the part where the tangent ends.

After killing some more time, my dad arrived. After an argument that I don't want to cause any trouble, he left. I took my laptop and began to work on my homework. After 5-10 minutes, my dad found me and asked me to come with him to see the manager.
"What did you do?" I asked, fearing that he may have fucked up again.
"Just follow me. The manager is going to bump you into the front of the line."

What's the proper word for an emotion that mixes shocked, glee, and fear? Shleear? No, that sounds stupid.

We found the manager, and she helped to bump me in front of the line. And all of this was done in front of the employee who (sort-of) screwed me over.

I went up to Inman, handed him my book, and thanked him for the high-five. He forgot who that was since there were so many people, but I told him that it was all cool.

During the signing, I said "and if you could doodle whatever, that'll be awesome. I don't care what you will draw. Heck, it can be a giant penis monster if you want."
Inman chuckles
I pause, thinking how bad it would be if any unfortunate child were to happen upon the doodle. "...no giant penis monster."
"Yeah, I'm not really good at drawing penises."
I chuckle in response.
I started to notice what he's drawing. What was it?

"Ooookay, that's fine too." I said in a joking and surprised response.
Inman laughs.

I left. On the car ride back home, I asked my dad how he managed to bump me. He told me that he explained everything that happened to the manager. He also inputted the word "damn", during his conversation with the manager, which made her warn him not to curse, apparently.

Despite what happened with the signing, everything else made my slightly shitty experience less shitty. It's now a turd cleaned with soap. I think I could find a better analogy if I wanted, but I don't want to.

For the lazy:
- I go to book signing with equipment early.
- I get no colored band.
- Inman arrives.
- Talk, talk, talk
- I was the first guy to ask him in the Q&A
- High-five!
- Talk, talk, talk
- I find out that I got screwed the fuck over by the colored band.
- I decided to just wait after everyone else.
- My Dad calls. I explained everything that has happened to him.
- He comes (oh god).
- He suggested that I should complain to the manager. I declined, since I don't want to end up as the bad guy.
- He complains to the manager.
- Manager bumps me to the front of the line.
- Inman draws a middle finger in my book. Doesn't matter. High fived him.
- End.

Read my Conan adventure too!

[Del91]

I only found out a few months ago he's from Seattle. Chalk another point up for my home state. The oatmeal is one of my favorite comics, up there with xkcd.

[Mythos]

Regarding your dad, I have a very similar problem. The trick is talking to him. Tell him why what he does is wrong, that oughta work.

[usaokay]

Mythos posted:

Regarding your dad, I have a very similar problem. The trick is talking to him. Tell him why what he does is wrong, that oughta work.

I tried. Once.

[nmagain]

why did you need a lift when the shop was apparently really close to your house ?

[3picFail]

I hope he finally got that eskimo kiss

[Pretiacruento]

usaokay posted:

I know what you're thinking about some of the attendees here.

The "Benjamin Button baby" in the second pic cracked me up -- he has old man's hair!

[mcmunsta]

Good deal man, love the doodle.

[usaokay]

nmagain posted:

why did you need a lift when the shop was apparently really close to your house ?

It was around night time.

It's a 30 minute walk, and it's a 15 minute bicycle ride. I don't have a bike flashlight.

I could have drove there, but B&N shares a parking lot with the biggest movie theater in town, and it was the weekend. Parking tend to be a bitch to find on the weekend.

I was carrying a very expensive camera and flashlight, and I just had my bicycle stolen from me a couple weeks ago before I attended the signing. So call me paranoid as all hell.

Edited:

3picFail posted:

I hope he finally got that eskimo kiss

Soon.

[jillymayr]

love the middle finger!

[LieutenantLeo]

It seems as though you'd enjoy some of his oatmeal for breakfast